Heads or tails?
That’s what Anton Chigurh would do. You know, the awkward and merciless hitman from Cormac McCarthy’s “classic” 2005 novel, No Country for Old Men. A character later embodied by Javier Bardem sporting a frightening Dutch boy haircut in the 2007 film adaptation. Haven’t read or seen it? Where have you been? You are missing out on some literary and cine-magic!
Now, where was I? Right — heads or tails? Call it. This is what I will be doing, come Feb. 1 when I take a seat in my cousin’s hairdressing chair for my first real haircut since August. (Check out my fall and spring semester mug shots, look at that progress!) Over winter break, on Dec. 23, I did have my sister trim my mullet. But that was nothing.
This isn’t just any haircut, it’s my first shaping. Remember, shapings are the kinds of haircuts grower-outers get. They are not about cutting off all your hard work. Shapings are about giving the hair shape as it grows out. But it will also be my moment of truth. Did I perfect the grow-out process and avoid Stage 5: “The ‘No Country for Old Men’, creepy-as-all-hell, Javier Bardem (as Anton Chigurh) Bowl Cut”?
For those who may have forgotten, Stage 5 is characterized as follows:
Entering the fifth stage, one has entered the single-most creepy stage. If Javier Bardem couldn’t pull off this look, there’s no hope for the rest of humanity. At this point, based on past experience, it becomes harder and harder to look at yourself in the mirror and not see Anton Chigurh staring back at you. It’s terrifying. Invest in hats, bandanas, headbands — they’re your new best friend.
Heads: I leave the chair free of Stage 4: “The Hillary Rodham Clinton”, but more importantly, free of the Bardem bowl cut. I’d walk away with a simple bob completing the grow-out process by entering the final stage — Stage 6: “Normalcy, sweet normalcy.”
Tails: I am swiveled around in the chair to face the mirror, only to see Anton Chigurh, “dutch boy” bowl cut and all, staring back at me.
Heads or tails? Come next week, I guess we’ll see how it goes, aka, I’ll take before and after photos. I’m pulling for the heads scenario, but if faced with tails, I will start showing different bandana wraps each week to hide the abominable ‘do that brings out the inner hitman, Anton Chigurh, in you.
Until then, which will it be? Call it.