BLOG: Sideburn blues

Women have sideburns. They’re no Elvisonian-styled mutton chops, but we have them. (And yes, “Elvisonian” is a word. It was dubbed by Elvis fans to mean Elvis-like, or an Elvis aficionado.)

Women’s sideburns are more or less the tiny fly-away, baby hairs that don’t typically fit into a ponytail. However, when one receives a pixie cut, the hair is shaped around the ear to look like faux sideburns, meaning any fly-away hair beyond that small faux sideburn is trimmed off.

Seeing as I haven’t had any sort of hair cut in nine weeks (only five more weeks until my first shaping!), I’ve been struggling to maintain and keep up with these little baby hairs as they’ve grown back in, in their natural place, outside the bounds of the faux sideburns.

So let’s take an inventory of sorts: Justin Bieber-like hair (what I like to call the “Bieber Bob”) — check. A hair cut that naturally grows out into a mullet — check. The Robert Pattinson-like tousled ‘do/source of ridicule I wake up with each morning — check. And if all that wasn’t enough, my real sideburns are growing back around the faux ones — check.

I’ve got me a case of the sideburn blues. (Cue sad banjo sample.)

The solution is simple — I just have to find and trim these stray hairs that just so happen to grow from a region near my ear that I can only see with a mirror, a feat within itself. So help a sister out. You would want to know if a booger was hanging from your nose, and I would like to know if there’s a random hair growing outside my faux sideburns.

Luckily I do have a pair of baby trimmer scissors that are perfect for rogue hair cutting. Now excuse me while I whip my “sideburns” back into shape.