COLUMN: Post-bar commiserations lead to advice

Vermillion, this is your “drunk bus tally girl” speaking. I want you to know I’m listening to everything you say while intoxicated and I have some advice. Ladies, I’m about to save you so much time and energy right now. You can thank me later.

If he’s not calling you, he doesn’t like you. If he says he hates the phone and would rather text, he doesn’t like you. If you give him your number and you never hear from him, he doesn’t like you. If he never initiates conversation with you, he doesn’t like you.

If he says you’re a nice girl but won’t date you, he doesn’t like you. If he’s dating someone else, he doesn’t like you. If he says he’s not ready for a relationship, he doesn’t like you. If he says he’s not ready for a relationship and you see him with another girl the next day, he doesn’t like you.

If he’s only nice to you when he wants to get some, he doesn’t like you. If he’s a giant jerk to you all the time, he doesn’t like you. If he’s not hanging out with you, he doesn’t like you. If he doesn’t go out in public with you and only spends time with you in his bed, he doesn’t like you. If he disappears on you for weeks at a time, he doesn’t like you.

In fact, if you have to commiserate with your friends after bar close and ask them repeatedly if he likes you, he probably doesn’t like you. Ladies, stop encouraging your friends to go for jerks. Tell them to look at their friend zone and rethink their life.

Guys, stop leading women on like this. Do you know how many times I’ve had to listen to drunken rants this semester because of jerks like you? You’re so ungrateful. I don’t even know any of these young women personally, but I know they deserve better than what you’re unwilling to provide.

May I suggest some reading for you? First, look up the word “chivalry” in the dictionary. You should focus your attention on the specific aspect of courtly love, also known as treating women with respect and subjecting yourself to numerous tests to win affection.

Second, go read some medieval literature. That would be the stuff “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” is based on, for those of you who may not know. It will help you understand the concept behind chivalry better.

Read it, learn it and change your lifestyle appropriately. Your foolish immaturity may seem like a great idea now, but sooner or later you’ll realize what you missed.

As a not-so-closeted hopeless romantic, I sincerely hope all of you learn your lesson one day. I don’t like to use my column space repeating myself, but after my last shift I feel I have to. Maybe I’m hoping you’ll all go home over break and suddenly understand me.

There are seven billion people living on this planet. If you can’t find one in Vermillion who likes you, it’s not the end of the world.

Reach reporter Betsey Horton at [email protected].