COLUMN: Be smart when battling the undead hoard

In order to prepare for this weekend’s zombie apocalypse, better known as the Humans vs. Zombies tag game starting Saturday at 10 a.m., The Volante, after scouring the many texts and films dedicated to the zombie menace, has prepared a list of do’s and don’ts in order to survive a zombie invasion because we all know it is coming. So if you want to live to see the end credits, read on.

1. Hoard like there’s no tomorrow, because more than likely there isn’t.

When the zombies begin to rise up, places like Aquafina and Charmin probably will shut down production, mostly because zombies don’t wipe. But you still do. So when you find some clean water, good food and toiletries, don’t leave it to waste. That stuff will be like gold. And gather Twinkies,just in case you run into Woody Harrelson.

2. Keep quiet!

When you’re traveling along or putting your head down for the night, don’t make yourself or others known. Loud noises and bright lights tend to attract the undead. Turning on lots of lights is like a beacon beaming out into the night saying, “Hello, zombified citizens of the world. This is where I am located and if you like, come eat me.” And while it may seem awesome to blast Queen while fighting off invading zombies, it will only drive more cannibalistic dead guys and gals to your location.

3. Never go anywhere alone

It’s a horror cliche, but the one member of the group who goes off alone almost always gets eaten. Travel in packs and always take at least one other person with you. They act as good backup, an extra pair of eyes, a source of pleasant conversation and if necessary, someone to knock down and sacrifice as you’re running away from a mob of zombies looking for lunch.

4. Always double check.

When you or your band of merry survivors are looking to enter a building or hot-wire that Hummer, always double check. It’s the people that just walk right in or plop into the driver’s seat without looking to see if there is an undead straggler hiding close by that get eaten. Enclosed places are not the best place to get surprised by an unwelcome, undead guest.

5. Always know your exits.

To go with the previous tip, once you’ve double checked your surroundings, know how to get out. There’s not much worse than getting stuck somewhere, out of ammo and friends to feed to the chop-licking monsters. Know where the fastest places to get out are and make sure you can fit. You don’t want to Winnie-the-Pooh it trying to get out of a window just a bit too snug for comfort.

6. Don’t, under any circumstances, drop that vial of mysterious liquid or let that poor disease-filled monkey out of his cage.

Seriously, that’s how all of this started. Do you really want to make even more zombies? Just leave all strange medical things with big red warning labels on them alone. It won’t end well, trust me. Wait, you just dropped it didn’t you? Great.

Reach columnist Chris Jessen at [email protected]