THE RANT: Dear Reading Public

Dear Reading Public,

Get out there and make some news. Like, seriously. Have you read the last few issues of The Volante? Nothing is happening in this town. And as we know, the sole purpose of current events is to give the pundits something to talk about.

Otherwise, how do you justify the existence of CNN, Fox News, MSNBC or any other news you choose? They spend five minutes giving us the straight facts and then throw us to the talking heads, who spend the rest of the hour spinning said facts beyond all recognition.

As one of those talking heads, I feel as though you, the public, have failed me. I have nothing to write about; and like a pretentious English major who can’t think of a topic for his first poetry assignment, I am now forced to write about my lack of material.

So for my sake, dear readers, go out and do something exciting. Don’t rush the stage at a white-boy rap concert or write a bomb threat on a bathroom stall or anything like that though. I said “exciting,” not “stupid.”

Sincerely, Tom Emanuel, senior