COLUMN: A hundred years, minus a day

Dear Friend,

I want to take the time out of my life to apologize to you. It is my sincerest hope that you listen, though I surely do not deserve it.

I’ve been sitting in my kitchen for hours now reflecting on the matter at hand. The matter, of course, is the fact that I’ve wronged you. It’s not just in one way, either. It is in all sorts of ways that can be applied to multiple people, though each of our circumstances are unique.

It seems that no matter where I am physically or mentally, I commit the same crimes. I believe it is high time that I stop this nonsense and appreciate you for who you are.

I’m sorry for the times when I could not be emotionally available to you when you needed me the most. I was unforgivably selfish on the matter, and all I ever did was make excuses to myself to lessen the guilt.

I wanted to be there for you, but I could not find the words. It seemed that no matter what I said, you could not feel better about what happened. You didn’t want to hear more empty apologies and you asked me to talk about what was going on in my life to take your mind off things. I’m sorry for seizing the opportunity to be as selfish as I became.

I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the helpful advice you were in such desperate need of. I was angry at someone you’ve never met, so I gave you false advice. It’s not that I meant for you to get hurt; I only wanted to help. However, I feel you should know my advice is poisoned with mistrust and bad experiences. Please do not take any of it, but know I will listen to you if need be.

I apologize for never realizing how much you mean to me till recently. I was so wrapped up in the things that don’t matter that I forgot to see what was in front of me. We’ve been friends for years and I never took the time to appreciate the fact that you are always there.

You have given me the comfort, advice and ear I thought I never had. I’ve been blind to your brilliance and desire to continue talking to me for years on end.

I’m sorry I’ve pushed you away. Sometimes I get weird about being close to people. It has never been my intention to make you feel anything less than awesome for as long as I’ve known you.

You have no idea how grateful I will be to you for the rest of my life. You have given me the kind of intimate conversation that I have been longing for my whole life. You know me better than I know myself most days. You are always there to remind me who I am, what I can do and that no matter what happens, there is good in the world.

I had no right to say everything I’ve said. I’ve had no right to pretend I never want to speak to you again.

I wish I had the confidence to apologize to you in person. However, I know you will be able to understand my sincerity. You, above all, realize I’ll always be better with writing my thoughts down than articulating them.

I hope you can forgive me for what I’ve done. If you can, I swear I’ll never be a selfish idiot ever again.

Reach columnist Betsey Horton at E[email protected].