COLUMN: Halloween calls for creativity over sex appeal

About a month ago, I began to start thinking about Halloween. Halloween is a very wonderful time of year for me as my birthday falls on the following day. I get to dress up in a silly costume, eat lots of chocolate and be the center of attention all in a neat 24-hour span.

Though I love Halloween and everything it stands for, there are a few aspects of it that I find completely ridiculous. For instance, the selection of pre-packaged costumes available for women only come in two varieties: “frumpy” and “you just wanted to wear lingerie in public, didn’t you?”

What if I don’t want to be a French maid or naughty nurse?  Well, then I get to wear something super frumpy and lame, of course. We all know women only come in sexy and frumpy varieties, with absolutely no room for

middle ground.

Luckily, it’s pretty easy to make your own costume if you’re a woman. All you have to do is think back to that day in first grade when everyone gave a presentation on their dream career, choose one and put on a tiny skirt.

Alternatively, you can do the “Mean Girls” thing and just wear lingerie and bunny ears.

It really gives a lady hope for the future of womankind. After all, why attempt to be clever when you can dress up as some perverted male fantasy?

The real question I have about Halloween is why aren’t more men dressing up as perverted female fantasies? I wouldn’t mind having someone dressed up as Indiana Jones buy me a drink at Carey’s, nor would I mind talking to someone impersonating the male lead from a pirate romance novel.

What about Prince Charming? That’s a great idea for a Halloween costume that you never have to take off! I’ll give you guys bonus points for researching the role beforehand and never breaking character, even after the night is over.
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I’m sure plenty of women agree with me. Nobody wants to get hit on by some creeper dressed as The Situation from “Jersey Shore.” I’m sorry, but I’m just not into men in glittery shirts, not even on Halloween. Glitter belongs on 10-year-old girls and Broadway costumes, not full-grown straight men.

Another thing that I find ridiculous about Halloween is inappropriate costumes. Guys, nobody wants to see your junk or your crack. None of us need you adding to our future nausea. Ladies, I’m sorry, but some of you should not be wearing anything scandalous. I mean that in the nicest way

possible.

Despite my pleas for sanity, I have no doubt I will be subjected to most of these unmentionable horrors this coming weekend. I suppose that is the point of Halloween, though I doubt most people realize how scary they actually look.

As for me, I am going as our country’s massive national debt. I’ve been planning this costume for two years, and now I can finally wear it without everyone totally missing the joke. I’m very excited and fully prepared to debate it with anyone.

Happy Halloween, everyone, and don’t forget to put that creative brain of yours to use!

Reach columnist Betsey Horton at [email protected]