BLOG: Sorority Horrors

For those of us in the Fraternity system, the fall season represents a return to the college life. Another whole year to strengthen bonds with our brothers, find and recruit new men to join us and of course, the chance to spend some time with the lovely members of the sororities. They represent their individual sororities proudly as well as the rest of the Greek community, and we’re lucky to have them.

However, there is a dark side to the sororities that is often ignored in favor of staying in their good graces. There are groups of females who cause groans of pain anytime they show up and whose makeup appears to have been applied with a shotgun in an attempt to distract you from the approaching doom. They’re annoying because they believe since they’re in a sorority, they are infallible, which can kill a social gathering quicker than an outbreak of a stomach virus. Ladies and gentlemen, these are the Sorority Horrors.

Hey fellow Greeks, remember that one girl you saw at a party who drank or spilled all of your drinks and then to top it off, fell forward and smashed your phone under her hoof? If you’ve seen this girl or a girl in a similar incident than you have had the misfortune of running into a Sorority Horror. Why do you call them Sorority Horrors? Because like any good horror icon, they tend to show up just when things are at their best or most enjoyable, and unleash havoc and destruction previously only existing in movies.

The last time I encountered one of these girls, a brother and I were forced to carry her drunk, whining and belligerent self back to her chapter house, where we received an exasperated apology from some of the more mature members of her sorority. She also tried to bite me — twice.

Now ladies, before you call me a sexist pig and confine me to loser island, allow me to make something clear. This is not an attack on all Greek women or even the majority of you. I find most of your members to be at the very least tolerable if not downright likeable. Your recruiting is similar to ours in the way that you get a lot of good and intelligent women to join your house, but a few bad ones always slip through the cracks.

So what makes a person a Sorority Horror? The truth is there isn’t any one thing in particular that does this, however there are three classes of Sorority Horrors, and I will try to go over each one of them briefly.

The first and most easily noticed of the three is the classic “Grenade.” The “Grenade” is generally a little thicker around the waist, and rather than simply accept it or work out, she employs a “too large for life” attitude to mask her insecurity. While some women can live this attitude beautifully, (Queen Latifah is the epitome of this attitude) a “Grenade” fails miserably. What should be a proud feminine stance against an image-obsessed culture is instead twisted into a desperate and loud plea for attention. She’s the kind of girl we men lock our doors on, not because we’re intimidated by her like she’ll claim, but because we’re afraid she’ll destroy a social gathering and clean out our fridges in one foul swoop. Regrettably she is often friends with some of the coolest girls in a sorority, so the only thing we guys can do is put up with her obnoxious ways.

The second type of Horror most common to run into is what I refer to as the “Shiver.” Physically you could argue this girl is pretty, but there’s always something off about her. She may be too skinny or wear too ragged clothing, but the most blatant sign she is one is the orange tan made infamous on ‘Jersey Shore.’ This tale from the crypt creeps us out, whether from the things she says or does when around us. While their sisters may think what they are doing is funny or awesome, it just makes us shiver in disgust, hence the name. The best example I have of this is a Shiver we nicknamed Ironjaw, because she could rip the tops of cans off with just her teeth. These girls are also the ones most infamous for breaking or stealing our things in the house, and are quickly to be put on the black list.

The final Horror is dubbed the “Vampire,” and this is the most difficult of girls to detect and deal with. This girl will seem normal in appearance, is often intelligent, comes off as nice and can be fun to party with — at first. This is someone who has learned to appear to be what we want, using this guise to hide what she really is. The change from Dr. Jeckyll into Mr. Hyde doesn’t begin until she becomes romantically involved with one of the men of the house. She then turns from a sweet, fun-loving woman to an angry, obsessive control freak.  She will get angry at a moment’s notice, taking her frustrations out on anybody in reach, most notably the guy she’s latched on to. Her mere presence in a room causes misery and despair in all those around them, while the guy she’s sucking the life out of will only continue to slide under her control. The only way to save this guy is to make him remember how happy he was before she came into his life, and hope his shattered willpower can repair itself.

So gentlemen, remember to keep your eyes open for these Horror types and others because they can really ruin a good time. And ladies, try to keep an eye out for these girls during next year’s rush week and reject them as soon as you can; they do nothing good for your house or reputation. Frankly, who even wants to deal with that kind of headache?