Confessions of an artist’s model

It all began as an inside joke. I was young, arrogant and up to no good. I was trying to convince someone to draw me. I never meant for it to turn out this way.

I laughed the entire walk over. I didn’t realize how nervous I was until I climbed up onto the stand for the first time. It was all fun and games until the robe actually had to come off.

For one truly horrible moment, I just stood there, completely frozen in terror. It was like some terrible nightmare I’d been having for years had finally come true. I pinched myself between poses, trying to wake myself up.

It took me about an hour to realize I wasn’t dreaming. I still had another two hours to go, so I thought I might as well try to get comfortable. I guess you could say it was all downhill from there.

As the semester went on, something strange began happening to me.  It started with my knees. One day I found myself staring at them and suddenly I didn’t hate them anymore. I didn’t even realize how much I hated them until I didn’t.

One night, I put on one of my favorite dresses. I’d worn it a thousand times before, but I’d never seen myself in it until the moment I looked in the mirror. I knew it was pretty, but I never realized just how pretty.

I’ve always felt forgotten and overshadowed when I am standing in the same room as my older sister. She is impossibly beautiful. She’s tall, graceful and everything I am not. In other words, I was comparing myself to a standard of beauty I am never going to live up to.

Since I began modeling, my feelings about this have changed completely. No, I will never look like my sister, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less beautiful than she is. We merely embody different types of beauty.

I have been asked many times how I can do what I do. People ask me if I feel awkward or embarrassed, and some have even implied I should be ashamed of it. I feel none of these things.

There is nothing awkward about assisting aspiring artists with their figure drawing skills. I have nothing to be embarrassed of, so to speak. There is no shame in what I do.

In fact, I have found the experience extremely empowering. If I had never done this, I wouldn’t have the kind of self-confidence I have now. I have managed to overcome something most people never will, and personally I think that’s something to be proud of.