BLOG: An open letter to my upstairs neighbors

This is an angry blog. It was written at the height of rage at 1:30 a.m. I call it, “An Open Letter to My Upstairs Neighbors.”

Not that this fact will in any way bruise the mass of narcissism and belligerence which rests where your hearts once allegedly did, but I have decided that I don’t like you. You are inconsiderate and nasty individuals, and the only people I pity more than myself for being planted beneath you are the poor souls who live next to you. I imagine they appreciate your late night full-volume television marathons even more than I do.

I’m sure it is possible that you have heard my roommate and I laugh too loudly at something late at night. For that I am sorry, because unlike you, we try our best to be considerate of those around us. We are not always perfect, but when you scream and stomp a foot above our lofted beds at one in the morning on a weeknight, I can’t say I blame my roommate for giving the ceiling tiles a few emphatic whacks.

Although I was intrigued by the following assertion that my roommate and I were the ones who were “so annoying,” I feel I can be justifiably angered by the string of unprintable expletives you hollered down at us in response.

I thought I could be angry. I was genuinely furious with you for a few blind moments and was steps away from filing a noise complaint in regards to your eloquent display. But, then I remembered that there are two sides to every story. So, I’ve decided that rather than assuming you are two wretched green loogies in the spittoon of college life, I’ll try to imagine other reasons for your negligible dorm behavior.

1.) You are hard of hearing and physically unable to hear your TV at less than full blast. If this is the case, I’m also assuming you’re chronic insomniacs, because you only seem to watch television while other human beings are trying to sleep.

2.) You had a bad day. The boyfriend I used to hear one of you, ah, spending quality time with dumped you. I can’t imagine why.

3.) Neither of you were loved as a child.

Of course, I understand that I could be the one over-reacting. I’ve had a bad week myself — the kind to make me want to drop out of college and earn a living by doing impressions of popular vegetables. So, I’ll offer this solution to our mutually unfortunate situation. No more ceiling tile slamming. We are all adults here (at least numerically) and so I will plan to conduct myself as one. I can handle your television and your male companions. But the next time you stomp and tell and gripe loudly while my roommate and I are trying to sleep, I’ll be the bigger person…and tattle to my CA.

Sincerely yours,

The Girl with the Glasses Who Just Wants to Friggin’ Sleep.

P.S. On the bright side, you two kept us up so late that we had the pleasure of hearing someone else knock on your door and tell you to keep it down. Apparently my roommate and I aren’t alone in our annoyance.