Battle of the Sexes: A woman’s morning routine

In the never-ending battle between men and women, there is never a clear winner. In this special issue, the Verve section takes a look at the clear-cut differences between men and women in everything from their morning routines

to their favorite pastimes.

A woman’s morning routine

7 a.m. – Alarm goes off. I scoff, set it for 8 a.m., and go back to sleep.

8 a.m. – Alarm goes off. I bribe myself with coffee if I get up.

8:08 a.m. – If I get up now I can get a coffee and a muffin.

8:10 a.m. – Shuffle to the bathroom with toiletries in hand. Look in mirror. Hair is clean enough.

8:20 a.m. – Brush teeth in hopes of fighting cavities. Brush hair in hopes it will look better.

8:25 a.m. – Pluck eyebrows in hopes that partial unibrow will soon be high fashion.

8:27 a.m. – Compensate for bad hair by actually slapping on some makeup.

8:28 a.m. – Reevaluating face. We’ll just pull this hair back.

8:30 a.m. – Putting on an outfit I picked out last night because I knew I’d be too lazy to do so this morning.

8:32 a.m. – Look at finished project in mirror from various angles. Mentally build self-esteem. “Hey girl. How you doin’? I like the way you fill those jeans.”

8:38 a.m. – Roommate walks in. Pretend I wasn’t just checking myself out. Time to leave.

8:41 a.m. – Leave for class, only to discover I did not predict the correct form of precipitation today.

8:42 a.m. – Switch jackets and grab gloves. Remember spring fondly.

8:43 a.m. – Set out for U. Brew. Again.

8:45 a.m. – “Hi, can I have a medium caramel macchiato?”

9:00 a.m. – Scout out a quiet corner and set up my laptop. Check emails and other social networks.

9:30 a.m. – Coffee has now taken effect and I’m assured I’ll survive the day.