Koalas are not the cute animal they make themselves out to be
When I was little I wanted a koala because the stuffed animals always looked so cute. However, when I saw a real koala in the zoo, I did a complete 180 and never wanted to see one again. They look like grumpy old men. They have fuzz around their ears which makes it look like they’re balding, and they have squinty eyes that make it look like they are perpetually irritated with everything around them.
They are also liars. Koala bears are not bears, they are marsupials. This means they are more closely related to wombats or kangaroos than bears. Why would someone add “bear” to the koala’s name if they are not, in any way, related to bears?
Baby koalas are born hairless, blind and without ears. Honestly, I won’t hold this against them because they were just born. But I will not tolerate the fact that baby koalas are the size of a jelly bean when they are born.
I encourage every person to look up what a koala sounds like. They have “bellowing” calls. These calls are to attract mates and warn that danger is near. These calls sound like a motorbike revving up, but a very old bike that can not go fast. The babies sound like one of those obnoxious party noise makers. They also snarl, squeak and all other sorts of horrifying sounds.
Male koalas have a gland on their chests to mark trees to attract females. The gland oozes an oily musk onto the tree trunk. Personally, I think if a word to describe something an animal does is ooze or excrete, there is no redeeming quality of the animal.
Koalas have two thumbs on their front paws and only three fingers. Koalas are very picky eaters, their main source of food and water is eucalyptus leaves. There are over 700 types of eucalyptus leaves but koalas only eat 60 of them. They only eat leaves attached to a branch, so if there is a leaf on the ground koalas will not eat it. However, koalas will occasionally eat mud to get the minerals they can’t get from leaves. Basically, the koala eats mud and toxic leaves.
Perhaps the worst part of a koala is they poop hundreds of times a day, even when asleep. I find this difficult to believe because all they eat is leaves.
Koalas are in no way cute or adorable. They fool you into thinking they are cute and adorable, but they are gross. They are an endangered species, which makes me feel slightly guilty for not liking them but they just freak me out. If they stay in Australia and I don’t have to see or hear them, everything will be ok.
