The Vex And The Verm: A Room Full of Strangers

It’s hard to be happy for others when you’re not. I am used to it at this point, though it still pangs. Being single, and to have never been in love, at least to never have that love reciprocated. All of this is, of course, non-platonic love which I am referring to.

Most of the time I manage. I am fine. There are those standstill moments, ironically where I am usually in a room full of people, where I can tend to feel the loneliest.

I love people,well, most of the time. I love to be single though, the independence of it all, the ability to go anywhere and to not have to share, but I don’t know if that’s actually what I enjoy or if I have just become so accustomed to it that it’s hard to imagine life any other way.

I can say I am this independent person who doesn’t need or want to be tied down, but that’s because I’ve never had the shoe on the other foot. I don’t know how it feels. Maybe I have two left feet.

Maybe after all that crowded room, I want someone to take me home. In a room full of people I may know, who know me, but have no idea what I actually think: strangers.

Just last night I saw someone (of whom I have no desire to be with and have never seen in a romantic way honestly) and they were conversing with someone. I don’t know what it was, but there seemed to be a subtle spark between them. I went up to a mutual friend and asked if the two were now a thing, to which she said yes.

I played it off as if I was happy, and for them, I am. As I mentioned, it’s not as if I wanted that relationship, but seeing it got my gears moving and they seemed to be spiraling downward. So much so that I had to remove myself from the situation.

Subtly, I left and suddenly I just thought, when is it going to be my time? Why can’t it be now? Am I meant to be alone? Yes, we die and are born alone, but we don’t have to live alone.

I’ll admit I have had these thoughts before, as I’m sure almost everyone has, and I’m sure I will continue to have them.

When they do occur, I think about Nathanial Hawthorne’s “Happiness is a Butterfly,” as well as a similar line from “Under the Tuscan Sun,” the rom-com from 2003, which is surprisingly good in my opinion.

In both, they state that when chasing butterflies and ladybugs, they will fly away as they are just beyond your touch, but if you just stand still and wait passionately, just maybe, they will come to you.