2 mins read

Aardvarks are the worst

I’m sensing a pattern in my articles. I seem to not like large burrowing animals. In the past, I’ve talked about my hatred of anteaters as well as my suspicion of groundhogs. I would like to add aardvarks to my list of burrowing animals I don’t like.

While aardvarks might have cute nicknames like “ant bear” or “earth pig” it is all a ruse for people to like them more.

The first issue I have with aardvarks is the need for two letter “a’s” at the beginning of their name. It feels like they just wanted to be in the front of the dictionary, so they secretly added another “a.”

They can’t decide which animal they want to copy. They have rabbit ears, a pig’s nose, a kangaroo’s tail and a tongue like an anteater. It’s almost like someone copied and pasted bits of other animals to make an aardvark. But none of the animals they share similar features with are anywhere close to them in species. One of their closest relatives is an elephant.

These creatures are also the size of a human. With their tails, they can get over six-feet-long and weigh 180 pounds. That’s the size of a full-grown person. Of course, aardvarks also have tongues which would technically make them even longer.

Aardvarks can eat up to 50,000 insects each day. They run around at night just scooping up the insects they see, and of course, you can’t forget that they don’t even have the manners to chew their food before swallowing. They don’t even drink water all that much and get their moisture from the insects they eat.

Aardvarks are nasty and hairless. A lot of people don’t like hairless cats but imagine a human-sized rabbit-pig-kangaroo-anteater thing that doesn’t have hair. They were awful to begin with, but the fact that they don’t have hair just makes them seem so much worse.

They also have a weird number of toes. They have four toes on each of their front feet and five toes on each of their back feet. These toes look eerily similar to how human fingers look.

Ultimately, aardvarks are just as bad as anteaters. They both make me uncomfortable. I would prefer to never come across them in my life.